I'm sick of it. I need a break. I'm tired of being responsible. I feel like I'm wasting my youth and chance to be stupid because I know that certain things are stupid. I haven't been enjoying myself much lately. I know I need to but in what time? Every time I do something for me, it is at the cost of procrastinating at something else. I want unobstructed crazy. I want to go overseas and see other places. But that could very well mean debt. But maybe if I work my butt off this summer I can go someplace next January. Who knows. I need a lot cash though. $3000 is no small sum. Maybe I can get $2000 and see if I can get scholarships to cover the rest. I really would like to go on the Japan trip but that's not going to happen. No money no fun. Unless I find ways to be content with what I have and have fun in less expensive ways. So I dream of Italy and Japan. Maybe I'll get there one day, maybe not. Maybe I can take a trip after graduation and not concern myself with cost. But I doubt it. There goes the responsible thing again. But what else can I be? No one in my family has money to bail me out. Even if they did that doesn't mean they should do it. And who says I won't get to Japan one day. Maybe I will, just like Jackie did. Who knows. I'd rather not go alone but I should be able to find someone willing to go with me. Maybe even a guy who's a world traveler at heart too.
I need a vacation. I need to not do so many things. Right now there's so much I could be doing. All this stress has even set me off on God too. I even looked a Shiva yesterday. I have never honestly looked at another god wishing it could take the place of my most Holy One. But I will see what I can do to unbusy myself. Maybe not do the whole boys and girls club thing. I need rest. not to tack on more things. I can't wait for after lab today. g2g.
